I'm stumped

Ok, so my youngest is going to be 1 year old next month. This has gone by so fast for me. I love staying home with my children! I am my childrens first teacher, and have gotten to see all their 1st's. I stayed home with my oldest until he was 3. We then moved back to New Mexico, and I started to work full time. I then got pregnant with my 2nd and have stayed home with her. I did have a job when she was 1, but I didn't need outside care because I was working evening, night, and weekend shifts. Eddie watched them.
NowI am stumped because I am thinking of getting a job. It will take lots of calculations to see if it is even worth it for me to work, and then have to pay x-amount of money for childcare. Another problem I am facing is finding someone that I can truly trust with my babies.
Eddie doesn't want me to work, ever, PERIOD. It was something we both agreed upon when we first got married, he'd make the money and I'd raise the babies.
I guess it is just all that I have going on that makes me want to be like the ants and store away for the future. I stop and think, of all the bills we have and how with his income, he is able to cover them all, and us be comfortable, and I get this fear that I will lose everything if something would happen to him. There is no way I could ever bring in the amount of money he makes. At least not at entry level.
oh why must I worry, worry, worry?
I just would like to ask for all to keep me in their prayers that the Lord will lead me to make the best decision for all.

so i finally added some pics to the county fair entry

one thought led to another

Today is one of those days. It is hard for me to see someone I love so much, struggle daily. How do you help someone who sometimes shuts out the world? This is one of my most difficult journeys. I see the desire for a better life, I can feel them asking why this has happened. I cannot find the answer no matter how hard I look. I seek answers, googling away, yet there is no cure ultimately?
On another note, can you truly help someone who chooses not to be helped? The simple answer to this is no. Like my dad has said to me plenty of times, you can lead a horse to water but cannot make them drink. My dad is such an inspiration to my daily life. He is the most patient person I know. He never holds a grudge, and always tells me "today is a new day, a new beginning." Patience is a virtue, and this dear man holds it!
How awesome, I came to this blog to vent out my stress, and my thoughts were geared automatically toward my father, who I look up to, and I feel better just thinking of how he would handle my situation.
I often will step back and think, ok how would my dad react? why? because he is amazing, is quick to respond with some kind uplifting words, and slow to anger. I cannot count on my one had the times I have seen him truly angry.
Dad, I love you so much!

IT IS A JOURNEY

Fall is here. The leaves are falling, the winds are blowing, nights are getting longer, days shorter. This is one cold day. I realized I have not been blogging lately. I guess I've been in a funk, I have a life filled with drama. Everything in my life has always been intense. Therefore, the cards I have been dealt are ultimately no surprise to me. It is just HOW I choose to deal with the issues in my life, that determine everything else.
This has been a difficult journey for me, at least in the past year, where things have been at their worst. I have hit rock bottom in all hopes of ever being happy. But, in the end, I have learned that I must pick myself up off the ground, and try, try, again. I am learning to humble myself to the Lord, I am in no way shape or form, an expert on spirituality, I am such a rookie. I have come to realize, that my life has been like the poem "Footprints" because Jesus has carried me thru the rough times.
I used to deal with negative things by just producing more negativity to the situation. I have come to learn that this not correct. It not only does not help the issue, but makes for more problems. I have had to deal with things that have tried my patience, and tested my faith. I am growing more and more as a follower of Christ.
PRAISE THE LORD, FOR YOU HAVE NEVER FORSAKEN ME, OR MINE, NEVER LEFT US HUNGRY, OR COLD, OR FINANCIALLY DISTRESSED!